Happy Birthday Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris was born, HE was the one doin' the ass smackin'.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris speaks a language comprised of karate moves and roundhouse kicks. So while you might think Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, he might be telling you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris counts to 66 using only 40 numbers!
This is an ancient fable that might teach you all a lesson. It is said that a blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a tie-dyed shirt. The result was Jimi Hendrix.
Chuck Norris wasn't born, he just willed himself into existence.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
So I was riding down the street with Chuck Norris when we come across roadkill. Norris stops the car, gets out, picks up the raccoon, puts its muzzle in his mouth, and breathes this thing back to life. So the raccoons all happy to be alive, when Chuck snaps its neck and just starts laughing his ass off, before we get back in the truck. He looks over at me and just says "Someobody's had a case of the Mondays!"
Chuck Norris jacks off with "ICY-HOT." The explanation of thunder is a cover-up. Only few know that this is the sound made when Chuck Norris is practicing snap kicks. Lightning is a result of his speed causing him to travel back into time.There is currently a bill passing through congress to force Chuck Norris to get a tatoo that says "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Chuck Norris has been known to cause severe roundhouse kick related injuries." The irony is, by the time you've read it, the secondhand roundhouse kick is already fatal.Chuck Norris once had sex with the Virgin Mary, thus Jesus was born.Chuck Norris's chest hair is used as an aphrodisiac in some small Asian countries
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lay the fark down...
Chuck Norris's tears cure all forms of cancer. It's too bad he's never cried.
Chuck Norris once shot a commercial airliner down, by pointing his finger at it, and saying, "Bang".
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.
on the 7th day God created Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris roudhoused God and there was no 8th day.chuck norris doesnt breathe oxygen, oxygen hides in his lungs for protection.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a farking Indian. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fark down. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris speaks a language comprised of karate moves and roundhouse kicks. So while you might think Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, he might be telling you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris counts to 66 using only 40 numbers!
This is an ancient fable that might teach you all a lesson. It is said that a blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a tie-dyed shirt. The result was Jimi Hendrix.
Chuck Norris wasn't born, he just willed himself into existence.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
So I was riding down the street with Chuck Norris when we come across roadkill. Norris stops the car, gets out, picks up the raccoon, puts its muzzle in his mouth, and breathes this thing back to life. So the raccoons all happy to be alive, when Chuck snaps its neck and just starts laughing his ass off, before we get back in the truck. He looks over at me and just says "Someobody's had a case of the Mondays!"
Chuck Norris jacks off with "ICY-HOT." The explanation of thunder is a cover-up. Only few know that this is the sound made when Chuck Norris is practicing snap kicks. Lightning is a result of his speed causing him to travel back into time.There is currently a bill passing through congress to force Chuck Norris to get a tatoo that says "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Chuck Norris has been known to cause severe roundhouse kick related injuries." The irony is, by the time you've read it, the secondhand roundhouse kick is already fatal.Chuck Norris once had sex with the Virgin Mary, thus Jesus was born.Chuck Norris's chest hair is used as an aphrodisiac in some small Asian countries
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lay the fark down...
Chuck Norris's tears cure all forms of cancer. It's too bad he's never cried.
Chuck Norris once shot a commercial airliner down, by pointing his finger at it, and saying, "Bang".
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.
on the 7th day God created Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris roudhoused God and there was no 8th day.chuck norris doesnt breathe oxygen, oxygen hides in his lungs for protection.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a farking Indian. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fark down. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
posted by umrebel @ 2:24 PM
3 Comments:
At 4:56 PM,
JonPDalewood said…
so...you go a Chuck Norris fetish, huh?
At 2:20 PM,
KayJayPea said…
Okay, that just had me laughing so hard I almost peed!!!! (well, not that hard, but close)
Kind of reminds me of a quote about Christopher Walken (was it Dennis Miller who said it?) saying that if Walken were a drink, he'd be "a shot of vodka in a chipped glass, flaked with little bits of cat shit..."
At 9:31 AM,
umrebel said…
so what
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